TITLE:  Bonds of Hate and Love
AUTHOR: Lady Ra
E-MAIL ADDRESS: ladyra11@yahoo.com
RATING: R, mostly because T'Pring is a big meany. 
PAIRING: K/S
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to Paramount, and many other people who make much more money than I ever will.  So, please, look the other way.  Says in a low voice with a small hand gesture:  These aren't the droids you're looking for, move along.
SUMMARY:  Spock did bond with T'Pring, and this story picks up two weeks after the bonding.
FEEDBACK: Absolutely.
THANKS: Thanks to Jes and Jenn for their fabulous beta assistance, and to Morr, of course, for her quibbles. 

Bonds of Hate and Love

Kirk flashed McCoy a look and put out a hand to lightly touch the arm of his first officer.  "Spock, come have lunch with us."  He could hear the pleading tone in his voice and was annoyed at himself.

Spock flinched from the touch, moving a few inches away until he was out of Kirk's reach.  "Forgive me, Captain, but I am in the middle of an experiment, and must return to the lab."  Without waiting for a response, he turned, carrying his lunch tray out of the mess hall with him.

Kirk hadn't missed the flinch, or the fact that Spock had been holding onto his tray so hard it was a wonder it hadn't cracked.  He glanced at the doctor.  "What's wrong with him?"

McCoy shook his head.  "Nothing physical, Jim.  I told you that already." 

"I don't like it, whatever it is.  I'll be the first one to say that I don't know much about Vulcan bondings, but if I didn't know better, I'd say he was miserable.  Is it supposed to be that way?"

McCoy grabbed Kirk by his sleeve and dragged him out of the mess hall.  "Let's finish this conversation in my office."

Once they got there, McCoy brought out two glasses and poured a liberal amount of Romulan ale into each one.  He clinked his glass against Kirk's.  "Cheers."

Kirk waved his glass in return and got right back to the point.  "Did you examine him?  Are you sure he's all right?"

McCoy took a healthy swallow of his drink.  "Strong as an ox.  I tried to get him to spill the beans and tell me what was bothering him and he, naturally, completely ignored me.  So, of course I ended up getting mad and telling him that ever since he'd bonded that he's turned into even more of walking computer and as cold a fish as ever swam the sea, but when I was done, he just looked at me and asked: 'Is there anything else, Doctor?'"  McCoy blew out a disgusted breath.  "Vulcans."

Kirk leaned forward in his chair, his elbows resting on his knees, rolling the glass between his hands.  Something had happened to Spock.  Something bad.  And the upshot of it was that Bones was right; Spock was more Vulcan than ever.  More Vulcan than when they'd first met. 

Spock rarely spoke unless spoken to.  The chess games and nightly talks had stopped.  He was flinching from any kind of touch.  Over the last two weeks he had distanced himself from everyone.  And it hurt.  It hurt almost more than Kirk could bear.

Kirk glanced up to see compassionate eyes on him.  McCoy said, "Jim, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry it's ended up like this."

Kirk shrugged, feeling the tension in his body that belied his casual gesture.  "I thought we'd have time.  I thought I had time."  He let out a strained laugh.  "I thought I had him captive for a few years before we'd even have to think about losing each other.  Plenty of time to keep chipping away at his shell; plenty of time to make him fall in love with me."  He took a swallow of his drink, trying to get it past the painful lump in his throat.

McCoy gave him a small smile.  "Well, James T. Kirk, if anyone could have done it, it would have been you.  I've yet to meet a sentient being that didn't eventually fall prey to your charms."

Kirk gave him a tight smile in return.  "Yeah?  Well, it looks like the tables have turned.  What a fool I am.  Letting myself think I was closer to a Vulcan than probably any other human has been - other than Spock's mother - and it turns out I knew nothing about him."  He could hear the bitterness in his voice, and felt a brittle coldness settle around his heart.

"Jim, you were…are closer to him than anyone.  Don't sell yourself short.  In the past year he's changed so much, and it was all for you.  He'd do anything for you."

"Past tense, Bones, past tense.  Now he's married, and he won't give me the time of day."  He sat up taller in his chair, stretching out aching neck and shoulder muscles. 

Three weeks ago when Spock had started having emotional outbursts, Kirk had been astonished.  But his astonishment had been only a warm-up to finding out that Spock was betrothed, and that if he didn't mate with this woman, he'd die.  There hadn't even been a decision to make, in Kirk's mind.  He'd have done anything to keep his friend alive, even if it meant that he would be losing something he'd hoped to have for himself.

In any event, he thought he'd still have Spock's friendship.  But the Spock that had returned from his bonding was a very different Spock than the Vulcan who had beamed down to the planet with his two best friends at his side.

Kirk couldn't understand it and every time he tried to speak to Spock, he was rebuffed.  Coldly, unemotionally, even logically, rebuffed.  Nothing of what they had been together seemed to remain. 

He thought of Spock the week before things had gone so wrong.  Kirk had been in the wooing business for a long time now, and considered himself an expert at the game.  He was so sure that Spock had been starting to respond.  So sure that with time - and he'd been willing to give it as much time as needed - that Spock's resistance would have crumbled.

Bondmates.  Bonded for life.  Forever now out of his reach.  A solid metal door had slammed shut on all his fantasies of loving Spock, of being loved in return, of feeling the Vulcan's mind in his, their bodies entwined, of becoming his bondmate.  Gone now.  Because of Vulcan physiology and something that had happened to Spock when he was seven years old.

Kirk sprang out of his chair and began to pace the small office.  "Something's wrong.  I know it.  There has to be a reason he's acting like this."

McCoy leaned back in his chair, his eyes on the Captain.  "Maybe it's some sort of Vulcan mumbo-jumbo.  Maybe he's not allowed to touch anyone, or be intimate with anyone in any way once he's bonded."  He took a last swallow of his drink and eyed the empty glass with some sorrow.  "Damn Vulcans anyway.  Damn them and their damn privacy laws.  How do they expect us to know how to act around them when they never open their mouths to tell us anything useful?"

Kirk sat down again.  "Bones, examine him again.  There has to be something."

McCoy shook his head.  "He'd only spout regulations at me, Jim.  His work's not suffering.  If anything his productivity is way up because that's all he's concentrating on.  I can't just haul his skinny butt into sickbay because you and I feel like it.  There're no regulations against him keeping to himself."

Kirk scowled.  He knew something was wrong, seriously wrong.  The brief interchange in the mess hall was just one more example.  The proper words were spoken, the proper facial expression was in place, all very Vulcan.  But there was always something else, like Spock holding the tray so hard his knuckles were white, or being unable to maintain any kind of eye contact, or the feeling Kirk kept having that Spock wasn't simply being distant, he was running away as fast and as far as he could.

Kirk tried to imagine having someone in your head all the time.  Spock had only been in his mind a few times and always for some sort of ship business, but he'd loved it.  Maybe it was different when someone was there all the time.  Could it be T’Pring that was affecting him?  Could she be the reason Spock had become as skittish as a colt? 

Spock had once told Kirk that he was ashamed of his friendship for a human.  Maybe she made him feel that way again.  The more Kirk thought about it, the more it made sense.  It also brought him a ray of hope because Spock had worked through the pain of his emotions then, so maybe he'd do it again.  Maybe all Kirk had to do was leave him alone and let Spock work it out.  Maybe he could at least regain Spock’s friendship.

He pushed his seething resentment of T'Pring aside, refusing to admit to himself that his jealousy of her might be contributing to casting her in the role of villain.  But any other reason hurt too much.  Kirk couldn't believe that Spock had simply stopped caring.

Kirk glanced up at McCoy only to find himself under serious scrutiny.  "Hey, Jimboy.  Where've you been?"

Kirk shook his head.  It all felt too raw and confusing to share these thoughts with the doctor.  He tried to find a smile, but from the look of pity in McCoy's eyes, knew that he had failed miserably.  "Where've I been?  Looking for a beach."  At McCoy's puzzled look, he let out a bitter laugh.  "Never mind."  He put the empty glass down.  "Thanks for the medicine, Doc.  I'll see you later."  Ignoring the worried gaze following him out the door, Kirk headed back to the bridge.

Kirk had already called for McCoy to be waiting when they materialized back on the ship.  He stepped off the platform and allowed the doctor and his team to attend to the injured crewman.  Kirk tried to control his temper as the rest of the team stepped off the transporter pad.

He wasn't sure who he was more annoyed with: Star Fleet and their bureaucratic idiocy that made them think that cheaper equipment was always better, or Spock.  As the door to the corridor slid open, he turned back to look at his first officer.  "My quarters, Mister Spock, one hour."

While Kirk waited for a response, he wondered if Spock had any idea how miserable he looked.  For a moment, Kirk felt a swell of compassion for his friend.  Then he remembered what had happened down on the planet.  Kirk glanced at the injured crewman and his gaze hardened as he turned back to the Vulcan.  "One hour."

"Aye, Captain."

Kirk nodded and stormed out the door. 

An hour later he was pacing in his quarters, occasionally glaring at Spock who stood ramrod straight, his hands behind his back, staring at a spot on the wall behind Kirk.  "Why, Spock, why?  You've never refused my request before."

"I am aware of that, Captain.  I have already put myself on report for refusing an order."

Kirk stopped and faced the Vulcan.  "It wasn't a direct order, Mister Spock, so you can't put yourself on report.  I can't order you to do a mind meld."

"While technically you are correct, your request was still essential for a successful mission.  I consider myself fully responsible for Ensign Abrams' injuries and the difficulties with communicating with the natives on the planet below."

Kirk stared at his friend for a minute.  "Just tell me why.  Why wouldn't you do it?  Abrams got injured because of a misunderstanding that never would have happened if you'd done a meld.  You've done them a dozen times over the last two years.  Why was this so different?  Did you sense some danger?  Just give me an explanation."

Kirk saw Spock's shoulders hunch together, a small sign that told him that Spock was acutely uncomfortable with the subject matter.  Unfortunately, Kirk couldn't afford to give a damn about Vulcan sensitivity.  He needed to know if he could count on his first officer's talents; he couldn't risk another screw up like this one.  "Talk to me.  I'll make it an order if I have to."

Kirk saw a look of resignation pass over the Vulcan's face.  Spock's eyes met his briefly and then they resumed their stare at the wall.  "I…" Spock swallowed.  "I am finding it more…difficult than I anticipated to adjust to the bonding."

Kirk walked over and stood in front of him.  "What does that mean?  Were you concerned the meld might interfere with the bond?  That it might hurt you?"

Spock shook his head.  "The opposite is true.  I was reluctant to meld due to the possibility that I might do some harm."

Kirk's brow furrowed.  "Why?  Because the bonding is new?  Because you can't control it?"

Kirk observed Spock thinking it over and watched as Spock latched on to the excuse Kirk had just handily provided him with.  "Yes, Captain.  I am still unable to control it as yet."

Kirk was fairly certain that Spock would never tell him a direct lie, but he was equally certain that his first officer was not above leaving out a few essential details if it suited him.  Sighing, he asked "How long is this going to last?"  He saw another flash of misery in Spock's eyes and Kirk's heart ached, wanting to help, knowing he would not be allowed to.

"I do not know."

"So, until then, does it mean that you will not be able to meld with anyone else?"

"I believe that would be the wisest precaution."

"Even with me?"  The question got out before Kirk could stop it.  But, it was something he'd wanted to know, whether he and Spock would ever be able to meld again.  Up until now he and Spock had only melded for duty but he longed to touch the Vulcan's mind.  It amazed him how much he sought that experience, given that it was an encounter that a human wasn't physiologically designed for, would ordinarily never know, or probably even want.

His eyes met Spock's and, for a moment, something passed between them.  Kirk tried to grab at it, hang on to it, so he'd have time to figure out what it was.  Longing?  Want?  Sadness? 

"Especially with you, Captain."

Kirk drew in a sharp painful breath.  "Why?  Why especially with me?"

Spock turned away, his eyes back on the wall.  "Our minds…" His eyes closed for a moment and then reopened.  "Our minds are too compatible."  He glanced quickly at Kirk, his eyes a dark pool of sadness. 

Kirk reached for Spock's arm but he let his hand drop when Spock took a step back.  "Does that mean we can never meld again?"   He might as well find out the worst of it now.  Find out if he'd lost it all.

There was a long pause, and when Spock spoke, his voice was pained.  "I do not know."  He met Kirk's eyes.  "I am sorry."

Kirk let out a soft bitter laugh.  "I thought apologies were illogical."

"They are."

Kirk smiled tightly, recognizing the apology as the gift it was, despite how insignificant it felt compared to what had just been taken from him.  He felt inexpressively weary all of a sudden and needed to be alone.  Turning to his desk, he spoke over his shoulder.  "Dismissed, Mister Spock.  And take yourself off report."

"Aye, Captain." 

Kirk heard Spock's steps move away from him, noted as the door slid open and shut.  Sinking down into the chair behind his desk, he ran a hand over his face.  He didn't know how he was supposed to do this.  Kirk sat there for a long time as the minutes ticked off the chronometer.

Spock sat on the edge of his bed, trying to compose himself.  He didn't know how he was supposed to do this.  It was sheer torture being with Kirk, and the stress of trying to hide his thoughts and emotions from his bondmate was beginning to tear him apart. 

He hadn't wanted to bond with T'Pring, but his position on the subject had been nothing compared to hers.  Spock didn't understand why she hadn't challenged the bonding.  It would have been better if she had.  Death would be preferable to this. 

But she hadn't challenged, seeking revenge instead by taking up residence in his head and spewing her anger, her loathing, her shame at being his bondmate, her determination to make him miserable for every second of his long, interminable life. 

Every thought he had, she belittled.  Every emotion he experienced, she shamed him for.  Every time he looked at Kirk, or thought about spending a minute of time with him, she dripped acid into his soul. 

Though only a few weeks had passed, Spock was beginning to forget what it felt like to have someone's warm regard, what it felt like to have a sense of self-worth.  It was slowly being eroded away until his only place of safety lay in being perfectly Vulcan, with no stray thoughts, no errant emotions, just pure logic and dedication to duty.

Even then he wasn't free of her hatred, but it was diffused, less vituperative without something concrete for her to latch onto to destroy. 

The thought of doing a meld, of subjecting anyone, especially Kirk, to the venom in his mind was unthinkable.  But the thought of never touching Kirk's mind again, of never feeling that quicksilver laughter and easy affection as their minds slid together, even in the guise of work, was almost too much to bear. 

Spock had hoped that his human heritage might have spared him the Pon Farr.  He had hoped he might be free to choose his own bondmate.  And he had begun to hope, after spending weeks cautiously dissecting Kirk's behavior over and over again, that Kirk was perhaps willing to explore a deepening of their relationship.

But then his body had betrayed him, and as helplessly as a rat in a maze, he had been pulled back to Vulcan, to bond with one who despised him. 

He could feel her now, trying to listen to his thoughts, trying to find new ammunition to feed her revulsion.  The irony of their bond was that it was strong, and T’Pring was able to communicate with him in spite of the distance between them.  Spock had to admit that he was weary of being chosen, once again, to be the exception. 

Under the constant barrage, Spock’s shields were starting to weaken, providing her with something else to taunt him about at the same time as it allowed her increased access to his mind.  It made the idea of a meld with anyone else unthinkable.  T’Pring might be powerful enough to push into the unsuspecting mind and do some damage if Spock was unable to erect sufficient shields.  Spock knew she would find that an  amusing exercise, especially if Spock were blamed for any resulting damage.  And, almost as horrifying to Spock, whomever he melded with might be able to see the hell he was living in and pity him.

Spock couldn't imagine that neither he nor T’Pring could survive like this for long.  When next he was able to return to Vulcan he would insist that a Healer unbond them.  He would pay T'Pring whatever she required, meet any demand, to obtain his freedom. 

Spock knew if he asked Kirk to return to Vulcan, Kirk would take him.  But, Kirk would ask for an explanation, and Spock couldn't share this.  It was too personal.  And, when he chose to be brutally honest with himself, Spock was deathly afraid that if Kirk could hear the things T'Pring said, that his captain would hear the truth in them and completely turn away. 

Because there was truth in what she spoke to him.  He was a half-breed.  He didn't belong anywhere, never had.  He had failed at so much in his life.  Failed to meet his planet’s, his family’s and now his bondmate’s expectations.  Spock found it increasingly difficult to believe that there was anything about him worth loving.

//No, Spock.  You are unloved, you deserve to be unloved.  You are an anomaly, a freak of nature, something that in any merciful society should have been left out to die at birth.//

Spock closed his eyes tightly, trying to erect shields.

She batted them aside as if they were made of cotton.  //You think to hide from me?  One who is a true Vulcan?  You have not the power; you are nothing more than an animal.  I am disgraced by this bonding.  You contaminate me by your very presence.//

Spock fell to his knees, his hands pressed to his temple.  //Then leave me.  I do not wish your presence.  Get a healer to break the bond.  I will give you anything you want//

He felt the coldness of her Vulcan calm, tainted with the madness of her hate.  //This is what I want, to make you pay for daring to presume that your presence could be borne by anyone.  Your misery is the only payment I seek.//

Spock could sense that what she really wanted was his death.  To his eternal shame, he had thought about it once or twice.  Thought about the peace it might bring him. 

//You do not have the courage.  You are the weakest man I know.  You try to be what you can never be, Vulcan, human, scientist, soldier, son, spouse, you fail at them all.  Do you not see them laugh behind your back?  They always have, they always will.//

Spock tried to ignore her, tried to ignore her voice as it chipped away at his soul.  He knelt at his meditation stone all night, trying, without success, to find some level of surcease from her relentless attacks.

Kirk surreptitiously watched Spock as he sat at his science station.  The Vulcan was pale and haggard.  There were bruised circles under his eyes, and it appeared as if he'd lost more weight.  Weight he couldn't afford to lose.

It had been weeks since Kirk had had a personal conversation with Spock.  He'd tried, over and over again, but Spock always found a way to escape.  Kirk had commanded him to come to his quarters and cajoled, manipulated, and practically begged, but Spock pleaded privacy, and Kirk, eventually, had to honor it.

McCoy had dragged Spock down for an exam when the weight had started coming off.  He'd put Spock on vitamins and told him he had to start eating, but since neither of them ever had meals with the Vulcan anymore, they had no way of knowing what he ate or even if he ate.

Kirk was afraid Spock was dying.  There was no medical evidence to support his fear, but the Vulcan was wasting away in front of his eyes.  That conclusion led to his current determination.  There was no damn way he was going to lose Spock without doing everything he could to try and get through to him. 

Kirk decided that tonight was the night.  He was going to sneak into Spock's quarters and tie the damn Vulcan up if he had to, until Spock explained what was happening to him. 

The instant he made that promise to himself, Spock turned briefly toward him, as if he could feel Kirk's eyes on him.  Kirk prayed that Spock would smile the way he used to, his eyes crinkling just that little bit accompanied by the smallest quirk of one side of his lips.  Nothing that anyone else would probably have even noticed, but Kirk did.  Always had.  Always knew when Spock was smiling at him, for him.

But Spock just turned away again as if he couldn't bear to look another second.  Kirk felt a savage anger race through him and stood, unable to sit in the Vulcan’s impenetrable presence for another second.  "Mr. Spock, you have the con." 

Spock's voice was hoarse in response.  "Aye, Captain."  The Vulcan slowly moved to the captain's chair as if his body hurt.  It took every ounce of control Kirk had not to wrap his arms around that lean body and never let go.  The only thing that got him off the bridge was the fact that it was going to end tonight.

Spock set the temperature as high as it would go, and was still cold.  He sat close to the fire pot, his legs drawn up close to his body, as if the small flames might somehow warm him.  He had tried, and failed again, to achieve any significant level of a meditative state. 

Spock knew he couldn't go on this way.  He wasn't meditating, he wasn't sleeping, he wasn't eating, and even a half-Vulcan's body could only last so long. 

His reverie of misery was interrupted as T'Pring forced her way through his thoughts.  //I wish to share something with thee, my bondmate.//

Spock had no delusions.  He knew whatever she chose to share would be painful.  He chose not to respond; there was little point.

//Pitiful creature.//

Spock couldn't help but agree, although he did his best not to allow her to sense his thought.

//I have invited someone else to join us tonight.  I know how lonely you have been.// He could sense her premeditated cruelty through the link.

Spock's heart beat faster.  Surely she didn't mean…surely she would not go that far.  But then, just as quickly, he was sure she would.  This would be how she would destroy him, by violating the bond. 

There was no infidelity on Vulcan or at least it was extremely rare.  The bond would not allow it.  The need of a Vulcan male for his mate would not allow it.  While the act itself inflicted no injury on the female, the psychic backlash on the male was akin to murder.  And no sane female would choose to either murder her mate, or be bonded to a male driven to insanity by her act.  But T'Pring wasn't sane.  That much Spock knew.  //You will destroy us both.//

//No, Spock.  Only you.  Only you will suffer and if the fates are kind, all that will be left of you will not be sufficient to cause me any more discomfort.//

Spock didn't understand why she thought she would be protected.  His death would not go unnoticed nor, if he survived, would his sudden change in mental status.  Surely she must know that her crime would be discovered.  A wave of exhaustion swept over Spock and, for a startlingly painful moment, all he wanted was for this to be over.  He was tired of fighting to survive.  He was especially tired of fighting to stay alive in a life that held little meaning to him anymore. 

Kirk, understandably enough, had stopped talking to him unless it involved ship duties.  Spock knew it was unreasonable but he had irrationally hoped, and emotionally longed with every cell of his body, that Kirk would not give up on him.  Even though he rebuffed Kirk's every overture, only in those few minutes of being in his friend's presence did Spock feel even partially alive.

Her sexual desire was rising.  Spock felt his concern rise in equal measure.  Despite his weariness, it was a body's function to try and stay alive and the danger to his bond forced a reaction from him.  //T'Pring, do not do this.//

She ignored him, as he knew she would.  He could feel her energy, feel the raw pleasure she was deriving by the act she was engaging in, both the sexual play, and the opportunity to destroy her bondmate.  Spock sensed the presence of another as T'Pring thrust into a second deep meld, and Spock's mind felt as if it was being torn apart.  He let out a cry of pain and curled up on the floor, using any strength that remained to try to repel the invader, fighting for his life and his sanity.

Kirk paced his quarters.  Determining to square off with Spock and demand answers was a far cry from actually doing it.  He had walked to the door of the bathroom that connected their cabins over a dozen times, and each time had gone back to pacing. 

He didn't really have a strategy.  A part of him thought that he might have to restrain Spock, but short of stunning him with a phaser, he had no idea how to accomplish that goal.  Kirk had no delusions about which of the two of them were stronger, even with the Vulcan in a weakened state. 

Kirk also didn't have a firm plan in mind on how he would force Spock to talk if he continued to refuse.  Kirk supposed he could sneak down to sickbay and find something to give to Spock to loosen his tongue, but he wasn't thrilled with the idea of drugging his friend.

He walked to the bathroom door again and rested his forehead on it, wishing he could just project his will into the next room and make Spock hear him, make him open up the door and invite him in, offer to play a game of chess, and flash him that smile of his that warmed places inside Kirk's heart he hadn't even known were cold before he met Spock.  Now that Spock had pulled away, those places felt cold all the time.  Kirk didn't think he'd ever feel truly warm again.

He heard a noise.  Kirk straightened up, his head cocked to the side to see if it would repeat.  It did, and it was clearly coming from Spock's cabin.  Kirk opened up the door and moved into the bathroom, listening.  He heard it again, and a tingle of apprehension slithered down his spine and congealed in his gut.

It was Spock and he was in trouble.  Kirk didn't know how he knew, but he did beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Kirk didn't waste another second on trying to identify what the noise meant.  He already knew enough; Spock was in pain and Kirk had to try to stop it.

He opened up the door that led into Spock's quarters and saw him lying by the firepot.  The Vulcan let out another cry.  Kirk raced across the room and knelt at Spock's side.  He swept the room quickly and saw no one, no clear sign of danger.  "Spock, what is it?"

This time the cry was low and guttural, the sound a wounded animal might make.  The noise touched Kirk's own primal instincts and he had to force himself not to fear for his own life.  But he stood his ground and reached for Spock, trying to get him to turn over.  "Spock, are you hurt?  Do I need to get Bones?"

Spock's eyes were clenched shut, the muscles in his jaw clenched tight.  He shook his head and gasped.  "No." 

The anguish in the single syllable broke Kirk's heart.  "Then tell me what to do."  When Spock let out another cry, Kirk spoke more harshly.  "Damn it, Spock, tell me how to help or I'll call for McCoy.  I can't just sit here and watch you hurt like this."

A spasm wracked Spock's body.  Spock's hands lifted and before Kirk could move, Spock was clawing at his temples, digging into the pale skin.  Kirk grabbed for Spock's hands and his fingers brushed against the Vulcan's temple as he strove to restrain his friend.  An intense pulse of hate shot into Kirk's mind.

Kirk was stunned into immobility for a moment, thinking it had come from Spock, but after a painful second or two, he recognized that it was not his friend.  Bracing himself, he touched Spock's temple again and the hatred lashed into his mind.  Hatred and contempt, racism and scorn, all mixed in with sexual heat and twisted desire. 

Kirk could sense someone else there as well, someone matching the desire, and images of rutting came to his mind.  Kirk tried to push his way through the seething cauldron of emotions to find his friend.  It didn't take long.  Within Spock's own mind, the Vulcan was in the same position, curled on the floor in a fetal position, his hands pressed to his temples.  Mentally, Kirk curled up on the floor with him, wrapping his arms around him, spooning behind the Vulcan's body as closely as he could get.  He wrapped one leg around Spock's thighs, and pulling one of Spock's hands away, he pressed his cheek against the Vulcan's.  "I'm here, Spock.  I'm here."

Kirk sent every bit of his love to his friend.  He envisioned it as smoke, oozing its way into Spock's pores.  He envisioned it as fire, consuming Spock, he envisioned it as water, bathing him in it, and he envisioned it as air, willing Spock to breathe it in. 

Slowly he felt Spock come alive.  It began as the smallest of coals, barely warm, emitting just the tiniest pulse of light.  Then it began to heat, its glow growing stronger.  He felt Spock latch on, and then hold on, desperately, as if Kirk were an unexpected tree limb growing on the side of a cliff face, the only thing keeping Spock from falling to his death to the sharp rocks below.

Kirk gave unconditionally.  Anything you need, my friend, Kirk thought, is yours.  He encouraged Spock, egging him on.  And Spock took until he was glowing brightly, brightly enough that Kirk couldn't take his eyes off of him.  He drank in the sight of Spock, the Spock he used to know, missed so badly, thirsted for.

Spock began to uncurl.  He turned in Kirk's arms and lay there, staring at him.  One hand rose and traced the contours of Kirk's face, as if not quite sure he was there.  //I have missed thee.//

Kirk let out a breath on a sob.  //Spock.//  He had no other words; that one word was enough. 

Kirk suddenly realized that the sexual heat was dissipating.  He began to speak but Spock put his finger over Kirk's lips to silence him.  Kirk heard a voice, dripping in animosity.  //Did that please you, my mate?//  He could almost see the toxic trail the mental voice left behind as it resonated through Spock's mind.  There was a triumphant cry and then all was still.

Spock's mental body sagged, as did his physical body, and it jerked Kirk's hand away from Spock's temple so he found himself back in Spock's cabin, his arms wrapped tightly around his first officer.  "Spock?"  He moved his hand until it was over the Vulcan's heart, relieved to hear it beating in strong rhythm.  "Spock?"

Spock tried to sit up and Kirk, unwillingly, reluctant to lose the feeling of holding Spock, assisted him.  Kirk got up to go get a towel and after wetting it, he sat back down at his friend's side.  He gently began to clean the blood off the Vulcan's temples.  Kirk was relieved to see that the scratches weren't deep.  He was also relieved that Spock allowed him this familiarity without flinching away, or demanding to be left alone.

Kirk decided the scratches didn't even merit a bandage and he tossed the towel into the bathroom, just making the sink.  He grinned at Spock.  "Bulls-eye."

Spock acknowledged the comment with a slight rise of an eyebrow.  But then he let out a sigh and turned his head away.

Kirk couldn't stand it.  He held on to Spock's arm.  "Don't, Spock, don't shut me out.  Let me help.  We used to be friends, I…I'd like to think we still are.  Please, talk to me."

He waited an interminable length of time, fully expecting Spock to stand, to straighten his robe, thank him formally and tell him, as politely as possible, to get the hell out of his quarters.

But, it didn't happen.  Instead, Spock gave him a terse nod and closed his eyes in weariness.  Kirk rose to his knees.  "Come on, let's get you off the floor and into bed."  He stood and held out his hand.

He tried to control the flush of joy he felt when Spock lifted a hand to take his, curling his fingers around Kirk's, allowing the captain to pull him up. 

Spock swayed on his feet and Kirk put his arm around his waist to assist him to the bed.  He pushed Spock down and sat next to him.  "Will it happen again, whatever that was?"

"I do not know."

"But you do know what it was, don't you?"

Spock nodded.  "Yes."

Kirk waited to see if Spock would volunteer any further information.  When a minute passed in silence, Kirk decided there wouldn't be.  And given the way Spock looked, haunted and swaying with exhaustion, now wasn't the time to pump him for information. 

He prodded Spock to lie down, and was surprised when the Vulcan obeyed him.  Kirk decided to go for broke as long as Spock was being docile.  "Scoot over."

Spock moved over.  Kirk lay down next to him.  Spock didn't say a word, just turned on his side, facing the wall.  Kirk curled up behind him, not as close as he wanted to be, but close enough so Spock would know he was there.  Close enough so that Spock could reach for him if he were needed.  "I'll be here.  Right here."

He watched Spock nod, a tiny gesture, followed by Spock pulling up his legs, curling his body up.  Kirk reached down for the blanket and covered Spock, tucking him in.  He didn't cover himself; between the high cabin temperature and the heat pouring off of Spock's body, Kirk was already breaking out in a sweat.

Kirk didn't care.  He was just so damn grateful that Spock was allowing him to play sentry.  Kirk watched Spock, observed the gentle rise and fall of his breath, growing slower and deeper until Kirk was reasonably certain the Vulcan was asleep. 

Kirk thought about what had happened on the meditation stone.  That voice had belonged to a woman.  The only thing that fit was for it to have been T'Pring.  For one horrible moment, the thought making him blanch, Kirk wondered if he'd interrupted some Vulcan long-distance sex ritual.  He immediately discarded the idea.

Whoever it was, she'd been hostile, beyond hostile, her attitude poisonous, leaving behind a residue that made Kirk long for a shower.  He had no idea who that other presence had been, or why Spock had been so incapacitated.  Kirk let out a sigh as he realized he might never know; Spock might decide not to tell him anything.  Right now, it didn't matter.  Right now, he was next to Spock, and Spock had let him touch him, and help him, and stay with him.  That was enough.  More than enough.

Spock looked at the chronometer by his bed and his eyebrows lifted.  Six hours had elapsed.  He hadn't slept for six uninterrupted hours for days, weeks.  Since his bonding.  Even prior to that, as he had found no respite in sleep when his Pon Farr was approaching. 

An odd sensation forced his attention and he realized there was someone lying next to him.  For a long and painful moment he thought it might be T'Pring, that somehow he was back on Vulcan, or she had found her way to the Enterprise.  But then his memory returned and Spock slowly shifted in bed until he could see his captain.

Kirk was still asleep and Spock took full opportunity to gaze upon the face of the one person who meant more to him than anything.  The hazel eyes opened, taking Spock by surprise.  There was no time to look away, to pretend that he hadn't been lying there watching his captain sleep.  When he saw no censure in Kirk's eyes, Spock cleared his throat.  "Good morning."

Kirk grinned.  "Good morning yourself, Mister Spock."  He glanced at the chronometer.  "Did you sleep?"

"Yes, quite well, in fact."

Kirk let out a satisfied sigh.  "Good."  Then he sent Spock a cautious look.  "I hope you don't mind that I sort of invaded your privacy last night."  A hand movement indicated both the meditation area and the bed.

Spock shook his head.  "I do not.  I suspect that I would be dead, or worse, if you had not intervened."

Kirk sat up, frowning at Spock's words.  "That was T'Pring last night, wasn't it?"

Suddenly the peace that Spock had been feeling in his captain's presence abandoned him.  He sat up as well, holding his knees close to his chest in what he knew looked like, and indeed was, a defensive posture.  Just her name was sufficient to cause that reaction.  T'Pring.  Even though Kirk had been able to keep him sane through her attack, he was still bonded to her. 

Kirk touched his arm.  "Spock, talk to me.  It was her, right?  Has she been this way ever since you bonded?"

Spock allowed himself the rare opportunity to indulge himself in an emotional display, and rested his head on his knees, hoping, like an earth ostrich, that it might hide him. 

Kirk must have taken his silence for assent.  "Why?  Why is she being this way?"

Keeping his face hidden, Spock nonetheless answered, knowing Kirk would not stop until he spoke the truth.  "She is punishing me for being part human.  She did not wish to bond with a half-breed, but rather than challenge the bonding, she chose to carry through on her pledge and then take her revenge."

Kirk got off the bed and began to pace.  Spock could hear the steady tread of feet as they paced off his small sleeping area.  Kirk sat back down, his voice brimming with anger.  "Has it been this way since the beginning?  In your head?  Has she hated you like this all along?"

Spock sighed.  "Yes."

Kirk took a couple of deep breaths.  He wanted to put his fist through a wall, or put his hands around T'Pring's throat and strangle her until she turned purple.  But, right now, he needed to be calm for his friend.  The friend he'd left on his own to struggle with his own personal hell.  Kirk moved until he was sitting next to Spock, their shoulders touching.  "I wish I'd known.  I wish you'd told me.  I'm sorry I let this go on so long."

Spock lifted his head and gazed at his captain.  "You owe me no apologies."

"Spock, you're my friend.  I could see that you were in trouble and I let you push me away."

While that was true, Spock knew that there were few people in the galaxy who could stand firm against a recalcitrant Vulcan.  "I refuse to allow you to take any blame."

Kirk gave Spock a small tight smile.  "Too late."  Kirk pursed his lips and blew out a breath.  "I have to take you off duty, you know that, right?"

Spock nodded.  In all truthfulness, Spock should have taken himself off the duty roster.  If T'Pring's attack last night had occurred while he was on duty, the ship could have been placed in danger.  "I understand.  And I shall put myself on report.  I should have informed you of my indisposition earlier."

Kirk let out a snort.  "Indisposition.  Spock, only you would consider yourself indisposed because someone was trying to kill you."  He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment.  "Why is she doing this?  It doesn't make any sense."

Spock let out a very un-Vulcan like sigh, a breathy exhalation.  "I do not believe she is entirely sane."

"What will happen if we call Vulcan and report her?"

Spock sighed again.  "A healer will be assigned to assess her mental status.  If she is found to be unstable, they will take her to a medical facility for treatment."

"Will that stop her from being able to hurt you?"

Spock nodded.  "Yes, they will sedate her until the bond can be broken."  Spock closed his eyes at the thought.  Not the thought of the bond being broken; there was little he wanted more than that.  It was the notion of being forced to have a bond broken, the repercussion of the gossip this would generate, the rumors that would circulate that his half-breed status had caused T'Pring to go insane - these thoughts rankled.  And once again, Spock thought, they will look at me, and see me for what I am: a half-breed and a failure.

Spock opened his eyes to find Kirk watching him, his eyes kind.  Kirk asked, "Why haven't you reported her already, Spock?"

Spock had to force himself to stay still, to maintain eye contact.  He tried to slowly breathe through the weariness that threatened to overwhelm him.  "She has done nothing to warrant such treatment up to now."  He corrected himself.  "Until last night."

Kirk's eyebrows rose.  "Nothing?  Spock, she's been making your life a living hell."

Spock dropped his eyes and turned his head away.

He felt Kirk's hand on his chin, forcing his head up, forcing eye contact.  "You don't deserve this.  No one does.  No one should be expected to stay in a relationship like this.  I don't imagine even Vulcan would sanction a bond like this, would they?"

Spock shook his head.

Kirk let out a sigh, and dropping his hand from Spock's chin, he reached down and took one of Spock's hands within both of his.  "This is just one more link in that heavy chain of yours, isn't it?  Just one more thing to set you apart from other Vulcans."

Spock gazed down at his hand, so firmly encased in Kirk's.  "I know it is illogical to fear being different.  What is, after all, is.  But…"

"It might be illogical, but it is understandable."  The hands tightened on his.  "And not everyone finds your differences unappealing."

Spock lifted his eyes, found himself captivated by the hazel eyes gazing lovingly at his.  Spock yearned to touch Kirk's face, to meld with that bright and clever mind, to have that which he found in his captain's gaze to be his to hold.

Without breaking eye contact, Kirk freed one hand and reached up for the intercom.  "Bridge."

Ensign Masterson replied.  "Bridge, Captain."

"How far are we from voice communication with Vulcan, Ensign?"

There were a few moments of silence.  "Five days, six hours, and seventeen minutes, Sir."

Kirk smiled at Spock and whispered, "Have you been training her?"  Kirk shook his head, indicating he wasn't expecting a response.  "Lay in a course for Vulcan, warp 5, and let me know the minute we're in communication range."

"Aye, aye, Sir.  Laying in course now."

Kirk switched off the intercom and frowned at Spock.  "That should get us there a couple of days earlier.  Until Scotty fixes the glitch in the antimatter pods, I don't know that it's safe to go any faster."

Spock was uncomfortable enough with the attention being focused on his situation.  "It is not necessary…"

Kirk interrupted his sentence with a look that suggested that Spock forgo any further comments in this particular vein.  Kirk pursed his lips, tapping them with an index finger.  "I'll have to take myself off duty as well, and that means we'll have to tell Bones what's going on."

Despite the earlier look, Spock shook his head.  "It is not necessary for you to go to such extremes."

This time Kirk gave him the look and a scowl.  "Explain, with your vaunted Vulcan logic, why you think it is not necessary."   

"I will take every precaution to ensure that she does not have further opportunity to do me harm." 

Kirk nodded his head, giving every indication that he was taking Spock's words to heart. 

Spock knew better. 

"And how are you going to do that?" 

The captain's question demanded an answer.  Spock didn't have one.  He'd been spectacularly unsuccessful at warding off T'Pring's attacks up to now.

"I thought so."  Kirk squeezed Spock's hand.  "Tell me Mister Spock, speaking hypothetically, what would you do if you knew that a crew member was being stalked by someone who meant them harm?  And what plans would you put in place to protect them if you knew no matter how sturdy the locks on the doors, and how thick the walls that surrounded them, that the stalker could access the crew member at any time.  What would you do?"

Spock knew when he was beaten.  "I would place that crew member under 24 hour a day visual surveillance."

Kirk nodded.  "Exactly.  So, you have two choices.  Our only mission at the moment is reaching Vulcan, and there's nothing currently threatening the safety of the ship.  Therefore I can be the one who keeps you under surveillance, or I can order you down to sickbay.  Your choice."

"Jim…"

Kirk shook his head.  "No arguing.  I saw what she was able to do to you last night, and I'm sure you were fighting it to the best of your ability.  You already told me that if I hadn't shown up that you would be dead or worse.  Your words.  And now, your choice.  Me, or a rotating staff in sickbay."

Spock cringed at the thought of strangers keeping watch on him.  Even fellow crew members.  But, it seemed unconscionable to force Kirk away from his duties. 

As the moments passed, Kirk let out a soft frustrated laugh.  "Never mind.  I know you too well.  Out of some misguided belief that you are somehow engaging in a gross dereliction of duty by pulling me away from the bridge, you'll probably choose sickbay.  And you'd hate every minute of it.  So, I'll make the choice for you.  And my choice is me."

Spock felt almost lightheaded with relief.  But, he still put up a token resistance.  "It is not logical for you…"

Kirk stopped him.  "This has nothing to do with logic.  This has to do with what you mean to me and the fact that I would do anything to protect you."  Kirk leaned in a little.  "But, I can't just take myself off duty without clearing it with the CMO, so I have to tell him what's going on."

Spock gave up the fight.  Besides, it was illogical to fight against what he himself wanted, not when it was being offered to him.  He nodded.

Kirk flipped on the intercom again.  "Sickbay."

"McCoy here, Jim.  What's the problem?"

"I need to see you in Spock's quarters."

"I'll be right there."

Kirk flipped the switch off and focused back on Spock.  "Is there someway we can do a preemptive strike?"

"I am not sure I know to what you refer."

Kirk lifted their linked hands.  "This.  Is there anyway you can let her know that I'm in this with you, that we're on our way to report her?  Do you think it will stop her?"

"I do not know.  It might make her cease her efforts or it might make her redouble them.  As I said, I do not believe she is completely sane.  If she believes I am taking legal action against her, she might decide she has nothing to lose."

"Can you tell when she's listening?  Is that what it's like, being bonded?  Having someone in your head who can hear everything you're saying and thinking?"

Spock gave it a moment's thought, trying not to respond to the wistful tone in his captain's voice.  "Yes and no.  It is true that bondmates have access to each other's thoughts and emotions.  However, out of respect for privacy, mental shields are erected to prevent a constant flow of information."  Spock felt a brief moment of shame.  "I have been having difficulty keeping my shields intact."

"What was she doing last night that put you in such danger?"

Another flush of shame swept through Spock. 

Kirk moved closer, his fingers tightening on Spock's, his face encouraging.  "Tell me.  It's all right.  I need to know."

Spock knew it was pointless to resist; Kirk would not stop hounding him until he got the information he needed.  "Infidelity is rare on Vulcan, at least not amongst bondmates."

Kirk seemed to take the non sequitor in stride.  "Why not?"

"It is not logical."

"Love is rarely logical, Mister Spock.  Nor is lust."

"The bond is sacred.  Injury to it hurts both partners.  There is no logic in inflicting harm when it will only come back to harm the one inflicting the harm."

Kirk gave Spock a skeptical look.  "So, you're trying to tell me that every Vulcan who's bonded lives is marital bliss?  There're no Vulcans who are bonded who find out over time that they don't care for each other very much?"

"You must not look at bonding as a Vulcan counterpoint to a human marriage.  Bondmates often do not live together.  Bonding came into existence as a way to protect the Vulcan male.  A male who comes into his time without a mate dies.  Most bonding arrangements are made for financial gain, or status."

"What about sex, then?  If they don't live together, do you really expect me to believe that Vulcan's aren't sometimes drawn to someone else?"

"Vulcan's don't…aren't…there isn't a lot of emphasis placed on the physical act of copulation."

"Never?"  Kirk's question ended in a squeak.

Spock's fingers involuntarily tightened on Kirk's, the sensation of flesh on flesh, even as innocuous a touch as this, triggering a deep yearning.  "There are, of course, always exceptions."

"So what you're saying is that the majority of Vulcans who are bonded are not bonded to someone they necessarily love or even have desire for?"

Spock nodded. 

Kirk looked down at their joined hands.  "But there are some?  There are some Vulcans who look for a bondmate they can love, that they want to touch?"

Spock nodded again, excruciatingly aware of Kirk's body close to his, the touch of his skin, the captain's affection pouring through Spock's poorly functioning shields.  He answered softly.  "Yes, there are bondings like that.  They are…those Vulcans are most fortunate."  A longing rose in him again, sharp and sweet.

Kirk raised his free hand and touched Spock's cheek.  "Spock, I…"

The door to Spock's cabin chirruped.

Kirk let out a noise of frustration at the interruption.  After a moment's hesitation, Kirk suddenly leaned forward and pressed his lips quickly to Spock's.  Just a light touch, a slight pressure and then the lips were gone.  It was too soon for Spock.  He hadn't even realized what Kirk had intended before it was over.  Spock knew it was madness but he wanted more.  He realized that Kirk was tugging on his hand, requesting his freedom, and Spock reluctantly let him go.

Kirk stood, gazing down at Spock, his face betraying his frustration.  "We're not done with this conversation."  Facing the door, he said, "Come."

As McCoy spoke to Spock, Kirk tried to calm himself.  I can't believe I did that, Kirk thought to himself; I just kissed Spock right on the lips.  It was a good thing Bones had shown up just in time to stop him from being even more spectacularly stupid.

Kirk glanced up and saw a pole-axed expression on the Vulcan's face.  What Kirk didn't know was whether that expression was there because T'Pring was trying to kill him or because of whatever McCoy happened to be saying.  Or, Kirk supposed, it could be because his captain had just laid a kiss on him.

Kirk muttered softly to himself, "How could you be so stupid?"  A year ago when he'd decided that Spock was the one for him, he'd promised himself he'd take it slow.  Slow and steady.  Nothing to unduly alarm his Vulcan first officer. 

Needless to say, Spock's bonding to T'Pring had thrown that all to hell.  But, all of a sudden, the possibility existed again.  If the bond with T’Pring was broken, Spock would be free, and maybe, just maybe, they could be together.  Just that small glimmer of hope had caused him to throw caution to the winds.

Kirk knew he wasn't a patient man.  Never had been and never would be, but he also knew that things could be destroyed by rushing.  All he could do was pray that he hadn't pushed too hard, too fast.  And not only with the kiss.  He'd been holding Spock's hand like a teenager.  Not, Kirk thought, feeling another flicker of hope, that Spock had seemed unwilling to be touched that way.

Kirk tuned back in to hear McCoy tell Spock that he expected to be informed immediately if there was another attack.

"I don't care if she's just saying boo, you let me know.  Do you hear me?"

"Yes, doctor."

"Don't you 'yes, doctor' me.  I mean it.  You call me."

"I am not sure what you expect me to say in response to your request if 'yes, doctor' is not acceptable."

"I've known you for too long, Spock, for your 'yes, doctors' to work on me.  I know you're lying through your Vulcan teeth."

"Vulcans do not lie."

All that got in response was an inelegant snort.

Kirk couldn't help grinning at the pair of them.  It had been too long since he'd been able to watch his friends argue with each other.  He patted McCoy on the shoulder.  "Don't worry, Bones.  I'll be here, and I'll let you know if he gets into any trouble."

That got a grunt.  "You better."  McCoy bounced on his toes, ready for action.  "I assume you're planning on reporting her."

Kirk answered that one.  "Yes.  We've increased speed and are heading toward Vulcan as we speak.  We should be able to contact them in three days or so."

McCoy scowled at them both, and then glowered again at Spock for good measure.  "You know, it's sort of hard for me to keep you in good health if you won't tell me when something's wrong."

Spock's lips tightened and Kirk intervened, letting the pat on the shoulder turn into a gentle steering toward the door.  "I've already read him the riot act.  You don't need to do it too."

McCoy put up a token resistance but allowed Kirk to see him to the door.  After telling Spock he'd be right back, Kirk followed the doctor into the hallway.  McCoy gave him a studied look under a furrowed brow.  "You all right, Jim?"

Kirk shook his head back and forth in an equivocating gesture.  "It's a little too soon to tell.  I'm thrilled we're talking.  Thrilled he's letting me help.  But, I need to have this thing with T'Pring over and done with before I can relax."

"Will they break the bond?"

"If they think she's crazy, they will."

McCoy's eyebrows rose high on his forehead.  "If they think she's crazy?  What more proof do they need?"

Kirk shrugged wearily.  "I don't know, Bones.  Maybe they'll think she can be rehabilitated.  Maybe they'll think there was…what's that phrase they use to excuse themselves…sufficient cause."

McCoy's jaw dropped.  "Sufficient cause?"  Then his eyes darkened.  "You mean because Spock's half human?  That's the most bigoted, arrogant, misguided, idiotic thing I've ever heard.  Anyone should be proud to be bonded to that man, and if you ever tell him I said that, I'll deny it to my dying breath."

Kirk gave McCoy a rueful grin.  "You're preaching to the converted here, but Vulcan hasn't exactly been kind to our first officer."

"Hmmph.  Bunch of pig-headed aliens if I ever saw any."  McCoy poked Kirk's chest with his finger.  "You just better call me if things get dicey."

"I will."

With one last glare, McCoy headed toward sickbay, muttering dire imprecations as he stalked down the hall.

Kirk shook his head as he let out a soft laugh of affection.  He signaled the door to enter Spock's quarters and as he walked through the door, his anxiety grew.  He still had the kiss to deal with.  Kirk's stomach did a flip-flop at the memory.  Damn, he wanted Spock.

Spock was still sitting on the bed, his fingers tracing his lower lip.

Kirk sat down at the foot of the bed, trying to keep his eyes from following the course of Spock's fingers.  "Spock, I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have done that.  It was presumptuous of me, and it won't happen again."  Of course Kirk hadn't exactly planned that last kiss.  He spent a second thinking of good intentions and the road to hell.

Spock dropped his hand and raised an eyebrow.

Kirk was so glad to see the damn thing in action again that he grinned.  When he got one of those tiny smiles back in response to his grin, Kirk felt his heart start to thaw.

"Jim.  It is not easy for me to speak of these things."  Spock paused for a while and Kirk wasn't sure he would continue.  But Kirk stayed quiet, trying to be patient, and after a few minutes Spock spoke again.  "It must not happen again, but not for the reasons you enumerated."

Kirk couldn't help the swell of disappointment Spock's words generated, even as his curiosity was piqued.  "Tell me your reasons, then."

Another period of silence ensued as Spock dropped his eyes, seeming to find the fabric of his robe of tremendous import.  Then, when his eyes lifted again, Kirk almost gasped at the need on Spock's face.  "It is inappropriate for me to speak of this while I am bonded to another, but I would have no misunderstandings between us.  I had hoped because of my genetic background, and as the time passed, I might be spared the…the time of mating."  At those words Spock's eyes darted away, a light green blush staining his face.

Kirk had to force himself to stay where he was.  All he wanted to do was grab Spock and kiss him again. 

Finally Spock spoke again.  "I wanted thee for my bondmate.  I had reason to believe that you shared this desire."

Kirk nodded emphatically.  Then he cautiously asked, "If you knew you wanted me as your bondmate, why didn't you break it off with her before?  Why wait until it was too late to do something about it?"  Kirk knew his exasperation leaked through; maybe none of this needed to have happened. 

"I have no excuse.  I…I just wanted…I had hoped…" 

And even with the sentence fragments, Kirk got it.  No matter what course Spock chose, there would have been negative repercussions.  If T'Pring had refused, it would have resulted in an ugly scene.  If she had agreed, now that Kirk had a taste of her, she still would have crucified Spock.  Spock had just wanted it to go away.  To be free to love who he wanted, bond with the mate of his choice, without having to pay too steep a price for it.

And now, his Vulcan friend might get the freedom he wanted.  "Spock.  It doesn't matter.  All that matters is now.  And you were right.  I do want to be your bondmate."  Want seemed such an inadequate word for the craving Kirk felt.

Spock's eyes met his and they gazed at each other for a long moment.  "I do not know what will come of my bonding with T'Pring.  I do not know how I will respond to a broken bond, or if I will be able to bond again.  There are too many unknown variables at this point to predict the future."  Spock lifted his hand again, touched his lips where Kirk had kissed him.  "I would welcome your touch if we were free to bond, but until that eventuality, it cannot be."

Kirk wasn't sure how to feel about Spock's words.  They almost seemed cruel.  They almost gave him everything he ever wanted.  There it was, laid out on a silver platter, just out of arms reach.  He struggled for a response.  "I know.  And I apologize.  You had just finished telling me how the bond was sacred, and how there was no infidelity on Vulcan, and then I kissed you.  It was disrespectful of me."

"Your touch was not disrespectful and, as I stated before, if I were free I would welcome your touch.  But, while T'Pring and the bond is the direct cause for my not being free, it is not out of concern for her that I speak."

Kirk's tongue wet his lips, his thoughts full of kissing Spock.  "Then, why…?"

"Because she is still privy to my thoughts.  Because I do not want any congress between you and me to be sullied by her hatred."

Kirk got up off the bed, needing to be away from Spock, fearful that such close proximity to the object of his desires would overcome his ability to keep his distance.  And he needed to keep his distance, because Spock was right.  The last thing Kirk wanted was to give T'Pring an opportunity to ridicule the love between him and Spock. 

He moved to Spock's small nutritional area and asked the replicator to make him a cup of coffee.  He followed that order with a request for fruit juice for Spock.

After Spock accepted the drink, Kirk sat in a chair a few feet from the bed.  A safe distance away.  "Just out of curiosity, if you cheated on T'Pring, would it make her insane?" 

Spock took a small sip and shook his head.  "No.  While it has serious ramifications, and a female bondmate would certainly be aware of such activity and be adversely affected by it, it does not hold the danger that it does for the male."

"Why?"

"There is a physiological difference between the bonding centers of a female and male Vulcan.  While a female can live a full life without a bondmate, a male cannot.  Therefore, for survival purposes, a male must know that his bondmate is available to him.  Infidelity threatens that survival."

"Do you think they will break the bond?  If they think she can recover, will they expect you to stay with her?"

"I do not believe so.  There is no logic in maintaining a bond that neither partner desires.  I do not understand why she did not challenge the bond.  It was her right."

"What would have happened if she'd done that?"  Kirk was fascinated at this glimpse of Vulcan culture.

"She would have chosen a champion to fight me.  If he or she had won, then T'Pring would be free.  If I won, then the choice would be mine.  But again, there is no logic in a bond that neither partner desires.  I would have set her free."

"How do you win this challenge?"

There was a brief pause.  "It is a fight to the death."

Kirk's eyes opened with alarm.  "You might have been killed?"

"It is possible.  But, a Vulcan in Pon Farr has tremendous strength.  It would take a cunning challenger to best a Vulcan during his time."

"Spock, sometimes I don't understand your customs."

Spock's eyebrow went up again.  "Then we have that in common."

Kirk flashed Spock a wry smile.  "I suppose we do."

A spasm of pain crossed Spock's face.

Kirk was on his feet in an instant.  "Is that her?  Is she back?"

Spock gave a brief nod.

Kirk moved to his side.  "What is she doing?  Are you all right?"

Spock held up a hand to stop Kirk's words.

That wasn't good enough.  Kirk sat down by Spock's side.  "Spock."

Spock lifted a hand and placed it near Kirk's face, then hesitated, asking for permission.

"Do it.  Let me hear.  It might help things if you have a witness."

"You must not make your presence known.  I will do my best to protect you."

"I don't care about that, Spock.  Let me help."

Spock placed his fingers on Kirk's face, and Kirk braced himself for an unpleasant encounter. 

//Have I come at a bad time, my mate?//  T'Pring's mind voice made it clear that she certainly hoped she had.

Spock chose not to answer her, comforted by Kirk's quiet presence in his mind.  Instead, he spent all his mental energy shielding Kirk from T'Pring's awareness.

//Are you in a conference?  Perhaps with your captain?  Perhaps they require access to that brilliant, defective mind of yours.  Perhaps they foolishly believe you will have the answers they seek.// A haughty disdain leached through the bond.  //They are fools.  Sooner or later you will fail.  You will let them down.  There will come a time when they will see you for the fraud you are.//

Spock fought against responding.  He knew fighting her was a futile effort but it was difficult to hear her words, knowing that Kirk was hearing them, and not offer some rebuttal.

//Why do you even bother, Spock?  Why not just admit that the breeding experiment was a failure.  That it was a mistake to cross the superior genes of a Vulcan with the detritus of a human.  Even you must grow weary of the charade.//

Spock felt fingers under his chin and he was forced to look at his captain.  The words were spoken very softly, almost mouthed.  "Don't you believe anything she says."

Spock found a haven of peace from her words in the love in Kirk's eyes. 

//I must admit that I'm curious as to why you are still alive.  Was last night's entertainment insufficient for your tastes?  Must I seek out Stonn again?//

Finally Spock spoke back to her.  //Why do you persist in this, T'Pring?  I will come to Vulcan and we will go see a healer.  You can be free of me.//

//Why would I do choose to do that?  If I have the bond severed, I lose your name, I lose your fortune.  I would rather have you dead or incapacitated so that I can reap some benefit from this unholy bond.//

Spock saw Kirk's hands clench and he reached out with his free hand to touch them lightly, trying to stop Kirk from any impulsive action on his behalf.  //You are not being logical.  We can come to a satisfactory agreement and both gain our freedom.//

//I do not want your freedom.  You sicken me.  There is no reason for your continued existence.  Even your seed did not impregnate me.  Not that I expected it to.  After all, it would carry your contamination.  And if I had found myself to be pregnant, I would have eliminated the fetus.//

Spock couldn't help the emotional response to that; he felt sick to his stomach.  Spock sensed Kirk breaking off the connection between them and was not surprised.  Why would Kirk choose to ally himself with one such as he, one so vilified by his own kind? 

Again, he felt Kirk's fingers under his chin.  Spock lifted his head unwillingly, expecting to see pity and disgust.  Instead all he saw was a blazing anger.  Spock lifted an eyebrow at the sight.  He didn't believe he had ever seen his captain this livid. 

He watched as Kirk took a few deep breaths before he spoke.  "She is the bitch from hell.  Everything she says is a lie.  Anyone would be proud to be your bondmate, and any woman with a brain in her head would be honored to bear your children.  You are the best man I have ever known, or ever expect to know, and I love you."

Spock was dumbfounded at Kirk's words and the angry, protective, loving onslaught shored up Spock's almost non-existent sense of self-worth.  So focused was he on Kirk that he completely ignored whatever T'Pring was saying until she finally shut the connection off between them with what could only be considered a mental huff.  The stillness in his mind was a welcome relief.

"Is she gone?"

Spock could only assume his relief must have shown on his face.  "Yes.  I do not believe she was pleased that I was ignoring her."

Kirk gave him a slow smile.  "And were you ignoring her?"

Spock nodded.  "Indeed.  It was only logical to focus my concentration on the words of my captain."

Kirk's smile grew brighter.  "Very wise of you."

Spock couldn't keep his eyes off of Kirk.  When he smiled like this, his captain was a being of surpassing beauty. 

Kirk's smile turned to one of mischief.  "Are you sure we can't do any touching?"

Spock sighed at Kirk's forwardness and at his own profound need.  He should have known that keeping Kirk at bay would not be easy.  "She will know.  And she will comment."

Kirk let out a bigger sigh.  "Enough said.  I'm sorry, Spock.  I…all I can say is that you are one hell of a temptation."

"As are you."  Spock could do no less than offer his captain the same compliment. 

Kirk got off the bed again leaving Spock both relieved and acutely disappointed.  Kirk began to pace.  "When do you think she'll be back?"

"I do not know.  I expect she will make another attempt on my life or sanity.  She made her intentions quite explicit."

Kirk punched his fist into the palm of his other hand.  "I'd like to wring her scrawny neck."

Spock tried to squelch the intense pleasure Kirk's words engendered in him.  He decided it was wisest not to comment.

Kirk shook out his hands, then shook out his body.  "I'm sick of T'Pring.  Let's talk about something else."  There was a period of silence as Kirk tried to think of a topic, any topic.  He could only assume that Spock was meeting with a similar lack of success.  He searched the room, his eyes resting on the game board with relief.  "How about a game of chess?"

"That would be satisfactory."

They both got up, and moving to the small table, began to set up the game.

Hours later, an equal number of games won between the two men and lunch consumed, Kirk remembered something Spock had said.  "When you said you didn't know how you would respond to a broken bond, what did you mean?"

Spock picked up his and Kirk's dishes and put them in the recycler.  "As I stated before, a bonding is a matter of survival to a male Vulcan."

Kirk didn't like where this was heading.  "So what happens to a male Vulcan when a bond is broken, or their bondmate dies?"

"When a severance is anticipated, then the Vulcan male, through the assistance of a healer, can survive long-term.  However, the need to bond again is acute."

"That's not a problem.  Here I am.  Ready and waiting."  And Kirk was ready.  And waiting.  Impatiently.  But, the question hadn't been completely answered.  He leaned forward, eyes narrowed.  "What about when it's not anticipated?  What happens if you and I bond and I die?  What happens to you?"

Spock bit his bottom lip, a sure sign that he didn't want to answer the question.

"Spock, what happens?"

"I would have discussed this with you, of course, once I had completely ascertained your desire to bond with me."

"Consider it ascertained.  What happens?"

"It depends on the depth of the bond.  A shallow bond can be survived, even through an abrupt severance."

"You're skirting the issue, Mister Spock.  Do you think we would have a shallow bond?"  Kirk had to get up, had to move.  He picked up the black king, ran his fingers down the sides, then replaced it on the board.

Spock slowly shook his head.  "It is impossible to accurately predict, but due to the nature of our relationship up to this point, I would estimate a high probability that our bonding would, in fact, be one of great depth."

Kirk wanted that kind of bond.  He wanted it worse than anything he'd ever wanted in his life.  But not if it was a death sentence for Spock.  "If we bond, what will happen to you if I die unexpectedly?"

"In all likelihood, I would die."

Kirk felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under him.  "Spock, how can I bond with you if it might cut, no, will cut years from your life?"

"Jim, if you die of old age, it will not be an unexpected death.  And if you die abruptly, chances are I will be at your side, and share in your death."

"Or I might be planetside, and you might be on the ship, and my death could trigger yours, leaving the ship in peril, and killing you before your time."

"I would suggest then, that if we were to bond, that it might encourage you to take better care of yourself, and limit yourself to landing parties that are not inimical to human life."

"Spock."

"My death is my decision.  My right.  And while I realize it is not logical, and an unseemly expression of emotion, if you were dead, I would rather not be alive."

"Don't say that."

Spock stood and moved to where Kirk was now pacing and stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.  "Don't remand me to a life without you.  Years, decades.  If you died, and I survived, I would only be half of what I am."

"You would recover in time.  Decades are a long time to keep a love burning for a dead man."

Spock took a step back and his face seemed to sag.  "If you will not accept me, then my death is still inevitable, because I will not bond with another when they break the bond between me and T'Pring."

"Spock, that's blackmail."

"No, it is simply the truth.  I have bonded once merely to save my life and the price has been too high.  I will not make the same mistake again.  If I do survive this without taking another bondmate, my time will eventually come again, and then I will die.  Dying is inevitable.  My death is inevitable and I do not fear it.  What I fear is living a life apart from you.  Would you destroy all that we could have because you fear what might occur in the future?"

Kirk slapped the wall in frustration.  "You don't understand.  How could I be free to make command decisions if I have to constantly weigh every decision with my survival in mind?  How can I be a good captain?  How can I lead my people, expect them to put their lives on the line, if I can't?"

"Because I trust you, just as the rest of your crew trusts you.  You will make the right decisions.  You will do what is right for the ship, and for your crew.  It is a part of you that will not be denied.  Even if part of that is sacrificing me.  You've done it before.  Just as both of us, time and time again, have put everything at risk to save each other.  Why would this be any different?"

"Because I would know the inevitable results of my actions.  I would know I was condemning you to death."  Kirk had to make Spock understand.

"No, you would not know.  I might survive.  It is possible I might survive a bonding with a human male.  But, I would rather not.  I would rather die with you.  I would rather not learn how to live a life without you.  It is a Vulcan's right to end his life when his bondmate dies."

"Is it logical to waste a life like that?"

"Perhaps not, but my logic has often been suspect when it comes to you."

"Does Starfleet know this about Vulcans, that the male might die if his bondmate does?  If we bond will they take away my command?"

"Certain salient facts regarding Vulcan bondmates have been made available to Starfleet.  And no, they would not take away your command.  I believe I have left you with the wrong impression.  While I said that I would not expect to survive a severed bond, it would not be an instantaneous death.  I would be able to assume command, to take the ship to safety if possible, or to helm her into battle."

Kirk saw a lifeline and he grabbed it.  "So, if you changed your mind and decided to go on living, you could find a healer, get some help?"

Spock considered Kirk for a moment and then nodded.  "Yes, if I changed my mind.  And if I didn't, my death would be my doing, not yours."

"What happens to me if you die?"

"I do not know.  You are not a Vulcan, so it may not affect your survival.  There is not enough data."

Kirk couldn't stand this conversation one more minute, not if he couldn't touch Spock while he was having it.  "I have to hold you.  I know I said I wouldn't do this again, but I have to."  All this talk of death had unsettled Kirk.  He needed to feel Spock's warmth.

There was a pause, then, "That would be acceptable." 

Kirk couldn't help the small laugh that escaped.  But, it didn't stop him from wrapping his arms around his first officer, letting the Vulcan heat seep into his bones, feeling the inordinate strength surround him.  "I bet you'd be hell on a debate team."

Spock pulled back a little.  "Is that a compliment?"

Kirk let out a frustrated noise and pulled Spock back in close.  "I have no idea."  He also didn't care.  If they could survive the next couple of days, Spock would be his, and damn the future.

The longer Kirk held Spock, the less he could imagine letting go.  Kirk started noticing where their bodies were touching, how well they fit together, how Spock felt warm and pliable in his arms.  Kirk couldn't help nuzzling the soft skin behind Spock's ears.

"We must stop."

Kirk was aware of the fact that Spock didn't seem to be making any efforts to move away.  He flicked out his tongue to taste Spock's skin.

That got a small groan.  "She will sense this.  She will return."

The thought of that was like getting doused with a bucket of cold water, and Kirk instantly backed away.  A few minutes of touching were not worth putting Spock through another altercation with T'Pring.  Kirk found himself hating her more with every passing second. 

They stood there for a few minutes, eyes on each other, Kirk letting his gaze run freely over Spock, allowing himself the privilege of looking his fill.  Every now and then he'd take a glance at Spock's face, making sure the pained expression wasn't back.  Finally, he asked "Any sign of her?"

Spock shook his head.  "No."

Kirk blew out a relieved breath.  "Doesn't she sense you all the time?"

"Not necessarily.  I can sense the bond at all times, sense our connection, but I cannot hear her thoughts or know what she is doing unless she lets down her shields.  And she will not.  Has not.  Except when she chooses to speak to me."

"How has she been able to get through to you?  Shouldn't that work both ways?  Wouldn't you ordinarily be able to shield against her?"

Spock looked away and Kirk winced.  He'd obviously stumbled upon another sensitive subject. 

Kirk took a step toward him.  "Spock, it's all right.  You don't have to talk about it."

It took Spock a few moments to respond.  "I am ashamed."

"Of what?  There is nothing here for you to be ashamed of.  Nothing."

"Nonetheless, I…"

Kirk wrapped his fingers around Spock's arm.  "You have been under attack for months.  Under siege, in a completely untenable situation.  No one, not even you, can withstand that sort of onslaught.  I'm assuming that the problem here is that you cannot adequately shield against her.  Am I right?"

All Kirk got in response was an unhappy nod.

"Spock, believe me when I say that I don't think less of you for it.  In fact, I can't believe you're still sane.  I know I'm biased but all I see in front of me is a man of incredible strength, in every way a man can be strong.  Do not, for a minute, be ashamed.  I won't allow it."

Spock raised an eyebrow, and Kirk was relieved to see it.  The Vulcan's voice was wry.  "As you are my captain, I must, of course, make an effort to obey."

Kirk attempted to give him a stern look.  "That's right."  He tightened his hold on Spock.  "We'll get through this together.  You're not fighting on your own anymore."

Spock gave him a terse nod, but Kirk knew it would take a while for Spock to recover from T'Pring's maliciousness.  No one could listen to the poison she'd been spewing for that long and not be affected.  All Kirk wanted was to have the right to show Spock how extraordinary he was.  He sent a prayer starward, to whatever gods looked after starship captains, that he’d get the chance.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully.  That evening, to avoid temptation, Spock slept on the floor on a bedroll, insisting that Kirk sleep on the bed. 

McCoy came by in the morning to check on them both.  "Nothing?"

Kirk shook his head, his hands wrapped around a cup of coffee.  "Nothing."  He scowled.  "And I don't like it."

Spock's eyebrow went up.

Kirk explained.  "I'm glad she hasn't bothered you, Spock, but I don't believe this means she's had a change of heart.  Do you?"

Spock took a sip of his own tea.  "No."

"Exactly.  And that means she's up to something.  And I don't like it."  Kirk walked over to the computer and hit the toggle.  "Engineering."

"Scott, here, Cap'n."

"Scottie, how fast can we push her?"

"The bairns are in good shape today.  We got the last antimatter pod installed late last night."

"Good to hear.  Kirk out."  He made a second call.  "Bridge."

"Aye, Captain."

"Please increase speed to warp eight.  Uhura?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Start sending hails to Vulcan.  Notify me as soon as you reach someone."

"Aye, Sir."

Kirk shut off the intercom and turned to Spock.  "Mister Spock?"

Spock answered the unspoken question.  "Approximately 2340 this evening."

"Good."

Spock gave Kirk a gracious nod, and Kirk grinned.  Sometimes, he reflected, Spock seemed like some ancient Pharaoh, condescending to spend time with the commoners.

McCoy shook his head at the two of them.  "Why don't you just contact her through your bond and tell her the jig's up?"

"I do not believe that would be adequate incentive for her."

"Why the hell not?  Even she can't be stupid enough to commit a crime if she knows she'll be the first one accused of it."

"Doctor, you are speaking of her as if she were a rational being.  She is not."

McCoy glared at Spock, not happy with the situation.  He snapped his fingers, as if just remembering something.  "Hey, how about that other Vulcan, that Stonn guy?  Is he gonna get in trouble too?"

Spock clasped his hands behind his back.  "Yes, his participation will be considered a significant breach of Vulcan etiquette and will no doubt result in extensive therapy."

"Vulcan etiquette?  Geezus, Spock.  A breach of Vulcan etiquette?"  McCoy let out a snort of disgust. 

Kirk couldn't help but agree.  It seemed a bit more than a violation of etiquette.  Obviously, Kirk thought, Vulcans took their etiquette pretty seriously.

McCoy gave Spock one more glare for good measure.  "Well, you just better let me know if she comes a-callin'."

Kirk acknowledged McCoy's request with a wave of his coffee cup and watched him leave.  Turning to Spock he asked, "Did you sleep last night?"

"I suspect I obtained as little sleep as you."

That was true enough.  Kirk up woken up repeatedly, sure that each noise heralded an attack by T'Pring.  "Why don't you try to get some sleep now?  I can keep watch, and then maybe you can do the same for me."

Spock pursed his lips for a moment in thought.  "That would seem to be a logical course of action."

Kirk gave Spock a lopsided grin.  "I must be losing my touch."

"Not possible."

Kirk gave Spock a considered look.  He was almost sure, almost, that Spock was…well…was flirting with him.  He decided to flirt back, hoping it wouldn't be misconstrued.  "I trust you'll hold that thought, Mister Spock."

Kirk didn't miss the flash of desire in Spock's eyes and felt a corresponding heaviness in his groin.  He hadn't realized what a potent aphrodisiac Vulcan desire would be.  Kirk almost wished T'Pring would get on with it so it would be over.  Then, just as quickly, he rescinded that thought.  He didn't want Spock in any pain.  He wanted T'Pring to hold off long enough for the Vulcan authorities to apprehend her, before she could do Spock any further harm.  "Get some sleep, Spock.  I'll be right here."

Spock looked as if he might speak again, even took a step toward Kirk, as if he, too, were fighting off the need to be closer.  But, then, Spock turned back toward the sleeping bay.  Kirk watched him get settled in before replicating himself another cup of coffee. 

By 2330 that evening, Kirk thought he might explode from the waiting.  McCoy had joined them for a late dinner; the doctor was also growing more apprehensive as the hours crept by.  There was a mounting undercurrent of coiled tension in the room, and they were almost speaking in whispers by the time Uhura finally paged Kirk.

"I have Vulcan in communication range, Sir."

It didn't escape Kirk's notice that Uhura had stayed on duty.  He'd have to remember to thank her later.  With the way information flew through the ship, Kirk was sure that even if the crew didn't have all the details, they knew enough to figure out Spock was in trouble.  "Thank you, Lieutenant.  I'll have further orders for you in a minute."  Kirk turned off the intercom and glanced at Spock.  "Who should we contact?"

Spock had an unhappy look on his face.  "I believe we should contact Ambassador Sarek.  He will be able to act quickly, assuming…"  Spock paused.

McCoy's expression was sour.  "Assuming what?"

"Assuming he chooses to believe me."

"Why wouldn't he believe you?  I thought Vulcans never lied."

Kirk watched as Spock glanced away, a look of pain on his face.  Kirk couldn't imagine why the Ambassador would be a sore subject for Spock, unless he simply represented all of Vulcan and its less than kind treatment of his first officer.  "Spock, what is it?"

Spock spoke as if the words were being tortured out of him.  "The Ambassador is my father."

Kirk's eyebrows almost lifted off his forehead.  "He's your father?"  Kirk couldn't believe it.  Ambassador Sarek was Spock's father?  One of the most powerful men in the Federation?  No wonder T'Pring wanted Spock's name, even if she was stupid enough to not want the rest of him.  Which, Kirk reminded himself, he was damn glad of.

McCoy's expression grew even darker.  "If he's your father why the hell would he think you were lying?"

Spock's voice was so soft Kirk had to strain to hear.  "My father and I have not spoken to each other in years."

"What sort of years are we talking about here?"  McCoy asked.

"Since I joined Starfleet."

Kirk bit back a whistle.  That was a lot of years.  He couldn't imagine what had happened to cause that sort of rift.  Kirk swore he'd get that story out of Spock later.  He flicked the switch back on.  "Uhura, please patch me through to Ambassador Sarek."

"Aye, Sir.  I'll let you know when I've made contact."

McCoy was bouncing on his toes.  "Ambassador Sarek.  My, my my."  He looked around the quarters with a grin on his face, as if he expected to see coffers of gold in the corners.

Kirk almost laughed at the dark look Spock flashed toward the doctor before the Vulcan pulled himself together.  He loved seeing the rough edges of his Vulcan friend and he couldn't wait to have free access to that mind.  And that body.  Kirk felt a bolt of impatience shoot through him. 

A beep came from the intercom.  "I have Ambassador Sarek on the line, Captain."

"Ambassador, this is Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise.  Your son serves as my first officer."

"Yes, I am well aware of which ship my son serves upon.  How may I be of assistance?"

Kirk glanced at Spock; saw how rigidly he held himself.  Kirk silently cursed the Vulcan Ambassador.  Would it have hurt the damn man to send along a greeting to the son he hadn't spoken to in years, to ask how he was doing?  He asked silent permission from Spock to speak.  Spock nodded and then his gaze shifted until it was focused on the wall behind Kirk, no expression on his face whatsoever.  Kirk had to unclench his fists, acutely defensive on Spock's behalf.  "Your son's life is in danger."

"Please explain."

Not a hint of concern.  That Spock had kept his soul intact in spite of his father’s, in fact, his planet’s apparent disregard, astonished Kirk.  "His bondmate has been attacking him.  First it was just verbal abuse.  Two nights ago, it was a physical attack."

"How is that possible?  She is here on Vulcan."

Kirk mutely begged Spock's forgiveness for having to speak of what happened.  "She forced the connection open between them as she …as she engaged in sexual relations with another Vulcan."  Kirk could hear the anger in his voice, knew Sarek would hear it.

Kirk heard a gasp in the background, wondered if it was the Lady Amanda.  It had to be.  Kirk had never met her, but he had known that the ambassador was married to a human.  Kirk couldn't believe he hadn't put it together before now.

"I would like to speak with my son.  I would hear him speak of this himself.  Without the excessive hyperbole."

McCoy almost went into a boxing stance.  "Why, you…"

Kirk quickly put up a silencing hand.  "Bones.  Don't."  He took a deep breath.  "My first officer is here with me."  Kirk wanted ownership.  His first officer, his friend.  It bothered him beyond the telling of it that Spock had this man as a father, that bitch as a wife.

"Spock?"

"Yes, father."

"I require an explanation. If what the Captain asserts had actually occurred, you would not be able to carry on this conversation."

"What Captain Kirk says is true.  And I am alive due to his intervention.  He was able to enter my mind and assist me in warding off the attack.  I do not believe T'Pring is entirely sane.  She has made her intentions clear; she wishes me dead or incapacitated so she can take advantage of our name and status without the bother of a bondmate." 

"This is not logical.  If she did not want to bond, why did she not challenge?"  There was barely an inflection in his tone.

If Kirk could have reached through the intercom and strangled the man, he would have.  Speaking of a fight to the death involving his son as if it were a trip to the commissary. 

McCoy couldn't keep quiet any longer.  "Logic, be damned.  Just go stop her."

"I require more information."

T'Pring chose that moment to strike.  Spock let out a cry and grabbing his head, curled up on the bed into a fetal position.  Kirk lunged to his side, reached down to touch the Vulcan.  "Spock!"

Spock gritted his teeth, and shook his head.  "No!  Do not touch me."

Kirk ignored him, wrapping his fingers around the Vulcan's upper arm.

Uncurling, Spock pushed Kirk hard enough to send him half way across the room.  Then he let out another cry, curling up again.

McCoy began to yell at the intercom.  "Is that enough damn information for you, Ambassador?  That's your son you're hearing.  She's trying to kill him for sure this time."

Kirk approached Spock again.  A part of him listened as Sarek barked out orders.  Apparently even he wasn't immune to the sounds of his son in agony.  Bracing himself against another rebuff from Spock, Kirk tried to wrap his arms around his first officer.

This time he ended up on the floor, on his butt.  "Goddamn it, Spock, let me help."  He knew Spock was doing this to protect him.  Damn, stubborn Vulcan. 

"Captain Kirk?"

"What?" Kirk snapped out.  "Did you find her?"  He had no idea how long it might take them.  Would they be able to simply transport to her home?  Would she be foolish enough to be where she could so easily be found?

"I have sent over a healer and two of my bodyguards.  They will be there shortly.  I do not know, however, if she will be at her home."

Kirk barely listened.  All he knew was that they didn't have her yet, so he had to keep trying to get through to Spock.  He threw himself on top of his first officer - a full body tackle - and held on tight.  He couldn't hear T'Pring because he couldn't get a hand up near Spock's face, but he could feel a coiled tension in the Vulcan.  There was no give in his body; it was like holding a board.  "Spock, let me in.  Let me help.  I can't just watch and do nothing."

Kirk held on while Spock tried to buck him off.  An absurd part of his mind envisioned himself as an old fashioned rodeo rider on top of a charging bull.  Clenching his jaw, he struggled to get one hand free so he could force his way into the meld.

Sweat was pouring off of Spock, his face locked in a rictus of pain.  Low animal grunts accompanied every panting breath.  Kirk knew he was going to leave bruises, he was holding on so tightly, but he didn't care, couldn’t afford to care.  If Spock broke free again, Kirk was afraid it would be too late. 

Like a sprinter going for the ribbon, putting on a last burst of speed, Kirk pushed past Spock's resistance, and finally touched the Vulcan's face.  His reward was pain.  Pain like he'd never felt before.  A hundred thousand bee stings, his skin being flayed off, his body being turned inside out.  It overwhelmed him, tossed him like a riptide in the ocean, and for a moment Kirk had no bearing at all.

Then he heard her voice, and for some reason, it provided him a foothold upon which to grasp his sanity.  Her voice ripped through his mind.//Who is that?  Who are you?//

The fact that Spock was unable to hide Kirk's presence at all told him that Spock had little if any mental resources available to fight this invasion.  Kirk resolved to fight for him.  //Captain James T. Kirk, you bitch.  Get out of Spock's mind.//

There was a sense of rotting vegetables, something moldy and slimy; it turned Kirk's stomach.  //How perfect.  Now instead of just finding Spock's body, they will find yours as well.  The inestimable James T. Kirk.  The perfect foil for Spock of Vulcan.  An inadequate human fighting side-by-side with an inadequate Vulcan.//

Kirk was in no mood for her games.  //Get out of his mind, now.  They are coming to apprehend you.  The game is over; you've lost.//

//If what you say is true, then I have nothing to lose by continuing.  The only thing your interference has achieved is a quicker death for Spock than the one I had hoped for.//

With her words came a resurgence of the pain.  Kirk heard another scream from a distance, recognized that it was him yelling but his body's discomfort felt secondary to the pain now blazing through his mind.  Flames.  A funeral pyre.  Every synapse shooting out jets of lava.  A thousand miles away he could hear Bones yelling.

"What the hell is taking so long?" the doctor was hollering into the intercom system.

There was a moment of silence.  "They have found her.  The healer is with her now."

"Forget the healer, for Pete's sakes.  Knock her out.  Do something.  She's killing both of them."

"While their deaths would be regrettable, there would be no logic in taking action until the healer can ascertain what technique she is using.  Stopping her now might do more harm…"

"Regrettable?  Regrettable?  You Goddamn son of a bitch.  This is your son we're talking about."

"Doctor, there is no need for such an emotional outburst.  You should stay calm so you can administer first aid if necessary."

"No need?  You think that was an emotional outburst?  If anything happens to Spock or Jim because stopping her wasn't logical, I'll show you an outburst that…"

Kirk tuned out.  They didn't have long.  He could feel his life force being extinguished like kindling in a bonfire.  Digging down, latching on to every bit of his stubborn determination, refusing to surrender to T'Pring, Kirk hunted for Spock.  Ignoring the pain, ignoring the sensation of charred fingers, skin hanging in shreds from his body, of empty eye-sockets searching a bomb-seared landscape, he tracked the Vulcan down.

Kirk felt him before he saw him.  Felt him because somehow Spock had been searching for him.  In their minds, they embraced.  They held on tight as the lava of the Vulcan woman’s seething hatred flowed around them.  This time the howl Kirk heard was T'Pring's.  A howl of frustration, as her prey began to slip through her fingers.

She tried again and the pain was intense, but not intense enough to separate them.

Kirk sensed a new presence; it took him a moment but then he realized it was coming from the other side, T’Pring’s side, perhaps a healer.  That guess was confirmed as Kirk listened to a calm voice trying to dissuade her from her actions, speaking of logic and respect for life. 

It almost made Kirk laugh.  There was no logic left in T'Pring.  Nothing left to rehabilitate.  No trace of sanity.  She was a rabid beast, lost in her hatred.  The only thing that would stop her was if she were put down.

Still tight within Spock's embrace, anchored by it, Kirk began to look around, to study T'Pring's presence, how it manifested itself in Spock's mind.  It was a rotting vine, stretching from Spock's mind to hers.  Everywhere it touched Spock, it leached away Spock's essence – and because of the meld – Kirk’s as well.

Kirk started to pull it out.  Like some fanatic gardener, determined to reclaim his garden from the weeds that had overtaken it, he pulled the vine out by the handful, tossing it to the side.  And with every pulled tendril, with every disease-mottled leaf that got tossed on the refuse pile, Kirk could feel his connection to Spock grow. 

Kirk was conscious of his own essence replacing hers, could see that next to where the rotting vine lay closest to Spock's soul, a new vine grew.  One that was green and healthy, that shot curling tendrils as it reached up, displacing the old rotting vine, connecting Spock directly to Kirk.

As the new vine matured, Spock became steadily stronger until he too was yanking out the old vine.  Then, Kirk could feel the process happening from the other direction and somehow he knew the healer was breaking the bond between Spock and T'Pring.

Spock knew it too.  They both stopped their activity and held on tightly, gazing at each other.  Spock looked around and saw the new vine, saw how it connected them.  He caressed Kirk's face.  //When he severs the old bond, if you remain here, we will form a new one.//

Kirk smiled at Spock.  //Then I'd better pull up a chair, Spock, because I'm not going anywhere.  I'm afraid you're stuck with me.//  He glanced down, saw that the new vine had shot off tendrils that tied them together at wrist and ankle.  //Literally.// 

Kirk sensed the old bond go.  He felt a gasp of pain from Spock, but almost instantaneously the new connection stretched to fill in the gap.  There was another gasp from Spock but this time it was one of wonder.  Kirk felt it too, as their love for one another leaped across the new bond, removing any trace of doubt, creating a sacred space for healing deep within their minds and hearts.

All Kirk wanted to do was relax into it, plunge into it, let it surround him, support him.  But someone was shaking him, yelling at him.  "Wake up, damn it.  Jim, wake up.   Spock.  Damn it all to hell and back."  He spoke louder.  "Jim.  The healer broke the bond, Spock may be in danger.  He needs to wake up."

Kirk forced his eyes open.  The light seemed bright, painfully artificial after the natural brilliance of his bondmate.  Kirk smiled, letting his eyes drift shut again.  Bondmates.  He and Spock.

"Jim.  Snap out of it.  And what the hell are you smiling for?"

"There is no need to yell, doctor.  The captain and I are fine."

McCoy let out a startled yelp.  "Damn it, Spock.  Don't scare me like that.  And what do you mean you're both fine?  Just a minute ago I thought I was gonna lose you both.  Your vital signs were going through the roof."

"Spock?"  A woman's harried voice came through the intercom.

"Yes, Mother?"

"Are you all right?  Is the bond gone?  I can't tell you how sorry I am.  She seemed like such a nice young girl when we met her."

"Yes, I am fine.  And there is no need for apologies."

Kirk shifted a little so he was lying by Spock's side, his eyes still closed, enjoying the rumble of Spock's voice as he swayed in the comfort of his Vulcan's love.

There were a few muted mumbles; Kirk guessed it was Sarek and Amanda hurriedly conferring.  He could understand their confusion.  After all, Spock should be in agony right now.  Kirk had felt the acute pain at the moment of severance.  Because of Spock’s superior tolerance for pain, Kirk knew it wouldn't keep Spock from functioning, but he would be hurting.  Should be.

Kirk couldn't keep a smug grin off his face. 

"You're smiling again, Jim.  What the hell is the smile for?"

Kirk let out a sigh and opened his eyes again.  Before he could answer McCoy, Spock spoke.  "Father?  May I ask what has happened to T'Pring?"

"She is dead.  The healer attempted to break her hold on you after it became clear that she would not be dissuaded from her course of action.  When that failed, he was required to break your bond.  Her death was instantaneous.  Even her katra was beyond retrieval."

Kirk had no idea what a katra was, but he was just as glad that she was gone, gone, gone. 

There was a significant pause.  Kirk could almost feel Sarek being eaten alive by curiosity.  He could also feel that Spock had no intention of satisfying it unless Sarek asked the question.  Kirk grinned at his bondmate.

Finally Sarek caved.  "May I ask…and please excuse my forwardness, but I must admit to a certain amount of curiosity as to why you seem to be unharmed."

Spock lifted an eyebrow and Kirk began to softly laugh.  The laughter continued when he saw the disapproving frown on Spock's face, while their internal connection was humming with pleasure from Spock's enjoyment of his bondmate's sense of humor.  "Forgive me, Father, I have been remiss." 

Spock sat up, pulling Kirk with him.  Kirk was relieved that Spock seemed as unwilling to be physically parted from him as he did.  They sat on the bed, hips and thighs touching.

McCoy figured it out and began to laugh. "Why you old hound dog.  You two are bonded, aren't you?"

Kirk grinned, sure that his face was beaming with contentment. 

Sarek's voice cut through the grins.  "Captain?  Were you inadvertently bonded with my son?  If you require it, a healer can meet you on your arrival to Vulcan and it can be broken."

Kirk had to work hard at suppressing the surge of anger Sarek's words evoked in him.  Both at the threat to his bond to Spock, and at Sarek’s callousness in suggesting a course of action that would cause Spock further pain. 

Spock mentally calmed him, flooding him with promises of a lifetime of love. 

Kirk blew out a long breath.  "Ambassador.  There was nothing inadvertent about our bonding."

"Indeed," Spock said in agreement.  "If the choice had been mine to make, I would have selected Captain Kirk to be my bondmate."

McCoy was happily bouncing on his toes.  "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle."

A suspicious sniffle was heard across the intercom.  "Oh, Spock, I'm so happy for you."

"Thank you, Mother."

Sarek's voice spoke.  "I am…pleased that you suffered no ill effects.  I offer my congratulations on your new bonding.  I will expect you both upon your arrival to Vulcan."

With that, the connection shut off.

McCoy rolled his eyes.  "Your father is one cold fish."

Spock sighed.  "While I question your integrity in slandering my parent, I must agree with your assessment."

Kirk barked out a laugh and wrapped his arm around Spock's shoulder, giving him a quick hug.  "My father-in-law.  There's a terrifying thought."

"I have no doubt that he is suffering similar qualms at the thought of having Captain James T. Kirk as his son-in-law."

Kirk found it difficult to reconcile Spock's stoic expression with the contented vibration thrumming between them.  It would take some getting used to.  He gave Spock a closer look and realized that he could see it on Spock's face.  Kirk doubted anyone else could see it, but it was there, the joy, the satisfaction. 

//You have always known me better than anyone.// Spock's mental voice told him in satisfaction.

For a moment they were lost in each other.

McCoy interrupted their silent reverie.  "Bonded.  Guess we'll need to have a party."

Kirk did his best to focus on McCoy but found himself yawning, suddenly exhausted.  "Maybe later.  Right now I just want some sleep."  And he wanted to touch Spock.  Hold him, explore him from the bottom of his feet to the tips of his pointed ears.  All while feeling Spock's love and adoration bathe him inside.   His eyes turned from McCoy, back to his bondmate. 

Kirk absently heard McCoy leaving but was unable to take his eyes off of Spock to give any sort of adequate goodbye.  He had faith that Bones would forgive him.  The words didn't need to be spoken, but Kirk said them anyway.  "I love you."

"And I you." 

Finally, knowing that he was now free to do so, Kirk lifted a hand and traced Spock’s eyebrows, ran his fingers over the point of one of his ears.  “I can touch you now,” he said in wonder.

Spock started his own exploration, his fingers combing through Kirk’s hair, his thumb caressing Kirk’s jaw.

Kirk closed his eyes, the sensation of being touched within and without the most extraordinary thing he’d ever felt.  He was afraid he’d blow out a circuit if any of this touching moved below the belt.  Just Spock’s fingers in his hair made Kirk feel as if every cell in his body was dancing with anticipation and joy.

Kirk gazed at Spock.  “I think it might take me a while.”

Spock simply raised an eyebrow in question.

“To get used to having you here, in my…well…your bed, and here…”  Kirk tapped his temple.  “In my head.  I feel surrounded.  I feel as if I can’t tell where I stop and you start, as if all the boundaries between us have been obliterated.”

“They have.  And it will take some time for you to become accustomed to the sensation.”

For some reason, Spock’s words disappointed him.  “So, it’s not strange for you?”  Kirk wanted this to be as extraordinary for Spock as it was for him.

“Yes, the sense of you in my mind as my bondmate, certainly the freedom to touch you, is startlingly unfamiliar. However, I have a certain amount of familiarity with the sensation of someone’s mind in mine.”

Kirk pulled back for a moment, gave Spock a teasing smile.  “I hope this mind is a bit more to your liking.”

“It is beyond compare.”

Kirk again was taken aback at the overlaying sensations of the love on Spock’s face, the love in his voice, and the love thrumming over the bond.  The love was palpable, as if he were being physically swayed on the swell of ocean waves.  When Spock lifted a hand, and softly touched Kirk’s lips, Kirk thought he was going to pass out.  He let out a soft chuff of laughter at his seeming inability to handle all the input.

“May I kiss you?”

Kirk just nodded, not sure he could speak even if he could find the words.  All of his energy was focused on staying conscious, not getting completely lost in all the love coming his way.

Kirk kept his eyes open as long as he could, until he was in danger of going cross-eyed.  He wanted to see Spock, see his face, watch his eyes close as they kissed for the first time as bondmates.  Then, Kirk realized that he could feel what Spock was feeling, hear his thoughts, sense his adoration, his desire, his need for Kirk.

And all Kirk could do was wrap his arms around his bondmate as tightly as he could and kiss him back for all he was worth, sending his own feelings across the bond. 

After several minutes of kissing, Kirk was sure that he’d blown every circuit, and probably knocked out all the power on the Enterprise.  He was going to come from just a kiss.  It was too much, but too much in the most wonderful way he could imagine.  He pushed Spock down flat on the bed and lay on top of him, until their bodies were touching everywhere.

Kirk couldn’t stop the groan that passed his lips at the marvel of it.  As Spock explored his mouth, their tongues dueling, Kirk thrust once against Spock and that was all it took.  His orgasm triggered Spock’s and his mind, heart, and body exploded in fireworks. 

When Kirk came to, he could feel the ebbing desire and satiety ricocheting between the two of them, offering reassurance, and unlimited love.  His body still felt wired and Kirk couldn’t help grinning down at Spock.  “I may not survive.”

Spock ran his eyes down their still clothed bodies and the corners of his lips turned up.  “I find myself in complete agreement with you.”

Kirk snorted out a laugh even as he rested his head against Spock’s shoulder.  An ineffable peace crept over Kirk, along with a lassitude caused by his orgasm, too many sleepless nights and by the battle with T'Pring.  He stuck with what was essential.  "I love you."  That seemed the only important thing to him right now.

He felt Spock nudging them to their sides, felt the Vulcan heat surround him as Spock held him tightly.  The deep voice rumbled in his ear.  "Sleep now.  We are together and nothing will part us."

Kirk muttered in agreement.  "Nothing."  As sleep slowly claimed him, Kirk said it one more time.  "I love you."  His last thought was a moment's sorrow for all the humans who would never know this: the certainty of love, the profound joy of being bonded.  Bonded.  Bound with love.  With a serenity Kirk hadn't known since he was a child, Kirk surrendered to sleep.

The End

Revised 4/14/07

Please send feedback if you liked the story: ladyra11@yahoo.com

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